genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Ketchup is God's man juice
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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