All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
