I just pynch a tree in the face
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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