I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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