just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
