I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
