I haven't been this sober since birth.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
