operation harelip BJ is a go
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
