I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
