Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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