I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
