she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
