I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
