I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Randomize
