i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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