I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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