just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Randomize
