My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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