I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm having to shit out rocks
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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