Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
