Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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