my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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