Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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