i already hear my dad disowning me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
