i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
a search helicopter?!
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
