Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
