it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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