I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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