I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Randomize
