and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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