I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
