I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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