he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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