I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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