I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
