I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
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The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
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I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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