woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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