Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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