so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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