it was like his penis was on wheels.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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