4 words: hood of his car
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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