Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
