No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Randomize
