I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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