Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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