I met the friendliest cop last night
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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