I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize