She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
