i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
