my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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