Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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