I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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