when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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