I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
