I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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