Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
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AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
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I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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