I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
