What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
