dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
