I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
