He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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